A Little Nudge

By: Kayla Finn

Everyone says addiction like it’s a bad thing. “That poor girl is addicted to fame,” “He’s become addicted to the playboy lifestyle,” “Blah, blah, blah, addiction, blah blah blah, something pitying but condescending at the same time.”

But who says addiction is bad? I mean, duh, some addictions aren’t good, especially if they get you killed (I’m looking at you drugs, alcohol, and smoking). But other addictions are actually quite nice.

You’re confused, I understand. Let me start with the definition of addiction:

The state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

Well, that sounds bad. But wait! Aren’t we all addicted to breathing? Having our lungs compress and expand is a habit, and if it stopped, it would most definitely cause severe trauma (ie. death). Same with drinking water, right? It’s become a habit for me to drink water at every meal, and if I stopped drinking water, I would get headaches, and be tired, and then I would die.

As you can see, not all addictions are bad. I have a friend who’s addicted to reading. She reads a book every few days, and she can’t go more than a week without reading a book. One time, it had been 6 days since she’d last read, and she looked awful. Her hair hadn’t been brushed in days, she was wrapped in a blanket burrito-style, and her eyes were glassy and bloodshot. All she did was lay on the couch and feebly pick up the remote control to change the channel on the TV. But when I brought her a book to read, she perked right up. She started smiling and reading, and the next day she was positively glowing.

So to answer your question, Officer, I am addicted—Addicted to love. And if that’s a crime, I say to hell with it! To hell with the whole justice system, if love is a crime!

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Yes, ok. I understand that technically, from a certain point of view, my actions could be considered “illegal”. But really, you don’t have the whole story.

In 2016, a new study came out showing that shared fear and adrenaline can, in the right circumstances, help people fall in love. You look skeptical. It seems crazy, I know. But you hear stories about survivors of plane crashes who were lost in the woods for a month falling in love and getting married. Or two people whose boat nearly sank starting to date and then falling in love and getting married. It happens all the time.

All I was doing was simply giving those two lovebirds a push. I was never really going to hurt either one, I just needed them to think that there was danger, so they could fall in love and live happily ever after!

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That’s not enough explanation? Fine, I guess I’ll walk you through the whole story: Elizabeth was born in 1998 to two loving parents, on a wintery day in mid-February. She was born to Mr. and Mrs—

That’s too much information? Good golly, Officer, make up your mind!

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Ok, so I met Elizabeth a little over a year ago. She’s a lovely girl, you know. Very sweet, very smart, beautiful brown hair, eyes like a doe. Anyway, we became friends and she started to confide in me. When she told me that she’d never fallen in love, but that she had a crush on Alex, I just had to help!

Alex was a classmate of ours. Handsome, well-built, funny, popular. Everyone loved Alex. And, well...I love Elizabeth, but she was much too shy to attract him on her own. So I started to push the two together. Nudge, really.

It was laughably easy. I paid a guy to “accidentally” bump into Elizabeth hard enough that she fell down at the same time that Alex was coming from the opposite direction. Like the gentleman he is, Alex helped Elizabeth up and asked her if she was alright. They went out to dinner later that night.

I thought my work was done, but they were lingering in the platonic stage for too long. They needed a nudge. This time, it was Alex’s turn. I made sure Elizabeth was at the bottom of the staircase, poured some slippery stuff at the top, and made sure Alex tumbled down the whole thing to land at Elizabeth’s feet. She helped clean and bandage his scrapes, and by the time his skin had healed completely, they were dating!

Oh, the joy I felt knowing I had brought love into the world!

But then, then the relationship stagnated. They were happy, they were in love, but they weren’t engaged. I couldn’t abide by it. I had to make sure they were together forever.

No! I didn’t kidnap them!

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Ok, maybe I kidnapped them a little bit. But they were never in any danger, I swear. I hired a guy to abduct them and bring them to a scary warehouse, it’s true. But they were only roughed up a teeny bit, just enough to make it believable. And I made sure they had the means to escape. Which they did, after two days and some subtle hints from the guys I hired.

I mean, really, Elizabeth and Alex are clueless. They’d never survive a real kidnapping.

Anyway, everything went according to plan. The couple was so distraught over the whole ordeal that they got engaged on the spot.

Truly, they should be thanking me.

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Say, Officer, I couldn’t help but notice how you were staring at Susan when you brought me in. I don’t suppose you’re...looking for a little nudge?