Letters for my Life

By: Kaelyn Klatte

November 15, 2017

Before you came into my life, I wasn’t that different. I came from a town in North Dakota, small yet vociferant. I had friends whom I held dear, but not one sibling in this biosphere.

In my school’s gym, two years prior to my moving, I waited for my mother to arrive, for all my hard work she would be approving. I sat alone, feeling like a princess perched upon a throne, listening to the monotone of the principal’s voice, unmoving. . Minutes felt like days, but my heart burned with a blaze, a fire so bright, I never believed it would faze. After eight years of academic rigor, my excitement to start high school grew even bigger.

I could hear the director call the names, followed by clapping and the certificate the student claims. It was my turn soon; I felt butterflies, but in my eyes, I would claim that prize; I would spread my wings and take for the skies, to hypnotize my audience with splendor and speed. I was a fish, swimming in greed, thirsty for my parents’ pride.

“... Iris Moore”

Suddenly, I heard my denomination and the applauding of the crowd as I strode with elation to the podium, claiming my prize. I saw my father’s teary eyes, but to my demise, my mother was nowhere to be found. All night, she never returned, instead, disappearing without a sound. It was only later that I learned of her fate; to this day, those very words castigate my father and I. Upon my mother’s grave, I vowed that I would honor her name, to bring our family happiness and fame. Such was my wish. And then, you came.

November 18, 2017

We are all complex structures woven from insecurities and fright, given life and hope, love and light. What would that make you, putting others down with your profanity and stripping them of their humanity? I know things about you, too. That you cheated yourself out of Christianity, that your parents are legally through. You’re struggling—your every move is a clue. The pain you hide, you feel as though there’s no one you can confide; I cannot blame you for acting so horrified, the loneliness infesting, magnified in your soul. And once you met me, your hate continued to acclimate. You knew of my weakness, you knew to break my pride; you knew to whisper those terrible thoughts, increasing my desire of committing suicide.

You would stare at me with contempt, watching me tumble to the floor, making no attempt to fight back. I’m sorry if I ever offended you—at the time, the thought of new friendships seemed splendid. But now, that dream ended, for the old me never comprehended the evil this world possessed. If only I could help you, to end your suffering, to mend whatever has been broken inside your heart. I only want for others to transcend pain, to extend towards the sky and reach for peace. But you’ve told me ever so many times that it was I who committed countless crimes against my own brethren. That my mere existence bothered all those who laid eyes upon me, that despite all persistence, everyone would do naught but give me distance. And your words I shall heed, for you’ve rendered those commands impossible to impede.

November 21, 2017

Long ago, I dreamed of a bright, sparkling ocean, a series of words that rang of emotion, pure devotion to the happiness of those I cared for. And then you arrived, giving me nothing but demotion, stripping me of my ambition, depriving me of my erudition, throwing me into this world filled with tradition; you called it reality.

All these years, I’ve tried to forget the past, and I wish I could claim that all my efforts were unsurpassed. But into the wounds you rubbed salt, stinging the cuts, claiming it was all my fault? Maybe you were right; that my mother, watching from above, would be disgusted to think that the kicked puppy is the very same girl she once loved.

I’ve walked these halls, seen these faces, treaded behind these walls. My life has become monotone, as empty and useless as that of a princess tossed from her throne. I’ve been here before; this is the part where you step up the front door, luring me in with your friendly faces, then putting down in deep, dark places, leaving behind nothing that traces back to you.

There was a time when I felt alive, where I’d strive to have friends, when I’d contrive my future; I was a try-hard. Yet ever since I transferred to this school, I lost hope; you used me as a toy to ridicule, looking at me with disgust as if I were nothing but a bothersome papule, a filthy rat invading a society of high-ranking aristocrats.

Because of you, I’ve turned into a clock tower, the heartbeat pulsing inside of me counting every hour until finally, the girl you’ve forced to cower, whose life you now turned sour will overpower my will to thrive. With each bell that did toll, you dragged me lower, deeper, pushing me into a black hole, suffocating my lungs, my heart, my head, until nothing was left but a dying scream, a single dream; peace. And without so much of a second thought, you set my mind whirling, a tropic storm unfurling, emotions swirling into a deep, black ocean. There was no reason, just treason for a fault that was not my own, but yours.